Thinking where it all went wrong

Things are different now..... we don't talk as much as we used to and I kinda don't fit in in the group anymore. Where did it went wrong? Was it because of me? Or you guys just come to hate me. When everyone meets, I'm the only one who is not in the group anymore. 

Well, I should have realised since long ago and I always tend to think positive and hope that they might be different. 

Every since young, I didn't have the luck with friends. 

I tasted a taste of betrayal from a dear friend in my 3rd grade. She betrayed me and accused me of stealing her stuff and made me embarrassed in front of the teachers and the class mates. I was so humiliated.

Fast forward to university where I tasted multiple back stabbers and relationships that went from close to very distance. There were no fights or betrayals. It was just become so distance that I was totally invisible from them. 

It was really painful. From then, I was be careful with the people that I friends with and was afraid of being invisible in front of people. 

I was used to loneliness. I grew up not having my parents' love so I was used to not having it. I managed my life and improved where I was lacking and try to cope with what I have and what I can. Education is always my first priority and that's what I am currently living abroad to do. 

But I still hope. I always admired my mother's friends where they are so close and yet they don't even meet each other or talk to each other once a few years. I really admire having that kind of people in my life even at least one person. 

But I am not my mother. I get it. I don't know how to make friends and I am not particularly good at mingling with people and make them like me. But if I decided that you are my friend, I give my best and I go some certain lengths to make the people I love happy. 

I was really happy when I became friends with them. I thought that maybe this is the first step to having life long friends. I just don't know where it all went wrong. 

I should be used to loneliness. I should be used to staying by myself. Most people say that I'm strong, I can handle this and that. Keeping my heart strong comes with a lot of responsibility and suffering. Right now, I just felt like I am nothing to other people and my efforts were useless. 

The suffering becomes stronger everyday. I wonder if there is a reset button or I should be facing the reality and move on. Well, so far as much as I know, I am back to square one and all alone. But I still hope...... 

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